I Hate Myself Somedays...

I know it's been a while since I've actually updated this, and there's a lot I could say, but the past couple of days have taught me that for some reason, I'm unable to actually be in a healthy relationship.

Basically, in the past couple of weeks, I'd been hanging out with a girl I worked with. As far as I was concerned, it was all a friendship thing, and I honestly wasn't going to push it further than that simply because she was one of the few people in this town that I didn't despise.

This weekend, she invited me over to her place to watch the football game with her roommates. I jumped at the chance, mainly because I'm a huge football fan, but the opportunity to hang out outside of work and actually get away from my place was an added bonus. So, we watched the game, and then she convinced me to join her roommates and go over to some place in the country to go drinking. I could mildly tell that she was starting to...get a little closer to me, but again I left it along and didn't really assume anything.

When we got back to her place, we watched TV for a bit, and for the first time in the night she sat right next to me. And I do mean *right* next to me. After a couple of episodes, her roommates went to bed, and she asked me if I wanted to go to her room and watch a movie. I said sure, finally starting to figure out that there was something going on.

As we watched the first movie, we started getting close, snuggling up together and just talking about stupid things. Once the second movie came around, we eventually started making out. I suppose to a little degree I was trying to go a little fast, but she told me to slow it down at one point and I fully did. While I may have had a few beers, I was still smart enough to not do anything she didn't want to do. After a little while she started to look sleepy, so I asked her if I should leave. She may have been a little hesitant, but I told her I'd talk to her later, and we both kissed each other goodnight.

Leaving her house, in the rain no less, I felt like I was on top of the world. I couldn't see anything bad coming from it. Or so I thought.

When I woke up, I realized that I forgot my cell phone at her house. I texted her over the computer that I was an idiot and would be over later to pick it up. I didn't see nay harm in it. When I got there, she answered the door, looked at me, went into the next room, handed me my phone, and basically walked away. I was beyond confused, but I simply said hey to her roommate and walked away.

On Monday, when I saw her next, she wasn't talking to me or even looking at me. I tried texting her once I got off work to see if she wanted to talk because something was wrong, and all she texted me back was that she couldn't talk but nothing was going on. And yet, I'm still getting the silent treatment.

Honestly, the biggest thing that's making me upset was that I've lost a friend. I'd give up everything that happened on Saturday night and any future chance of a serious romantic relationship just to have her talk to me again. She was one of the only people in this town that I could get along with, and without her this town just doesn't seem as fun anymore.

I'm probably gonna give her a couple of days to try and talk to her, but it's just painful in the meantime. Grrrrrr.....

I Know What I Know

Well, there was good news and bad news from my date last weekend.

Good news: The date, in my mind, went amazing. We ended up going to Tim Horton's and spending about an hour talking to each other about pretty much everything. Hell, I even told her the whole story behind my ex girlfriend, and she came right back with one of her own and made me feel like it didn't even affect me. Plus, like I've been telling all my friends, it was nice to talk to a girl who wasn't an angry, annoying, emo slut. Aren't I nice?

The bad news: She was going to the Maritimes for two weeks the day after Sunday. It was one of those things that when you first hear it, you're like "Aw crap - I really scared that one away", but we did want to get together when she came back. It was a pretty bad situation for me, because it felt like I was getting a free sample of something, but wasn't allowed to buy it and give it a longer shot. I'm looking forward to this weekend when she comes back and I can hopefully get together with her again. I've had such bad luck in the past, and I'm hoping that I can break that streak.

Time will tell, I suppose.

-Patrick

Only the Young

Man, this week has been AWESOME!

First of all, I had a forty hour week last week, thanks to a couple of extra shifts. I also have my first CSM shift tomorrow, which I'm pumped for. All in all, work is going great, even considering that my ex-girlfriend got rehired (How she got it is a complete mystery to most of the staff). I tell you, some things boggle the mind. Nevertheless, I've basically avoided all unnecessary contact with her, and things have been going well.

After a long month of waiting, SaskTel finally got the Motorola KRZR in, and I picked up the first one yesterday! I absolutely love that phone, and I'm still trying to figure out all of the funky features in it.

Possibly the best thing that's happened was a phone call from a old friend on Thursday. I had been good friends with her a couple of years ago, and I had seen her at my work a few weeks ago, and I had started thinking about her the past little while. When I came home from work, my dad told me that "some girl" phoned asking for me, but she didn't leave any information. Later on, my mom told me that that person had phoned early and had left all her information. I phoned her on Friday, and we agreed to head to the movies tomorrow night. I'm so crazily pumped for tomorrow night it isn't even funny!

-Patrick

Put On Your Bravest Face

Only nine days left until grad. Only twenty-six days left until my last final. I tell you, it's starting to scare the living crap out of me. As much as you hate going to school, it scares you to think about leaving that place forever.

To get my last depressing news out of the way, I've determined that I am the epitome of someone who is completely nervous around women. Frankly, I'm quite sick of it. If I don't get the courage to talk to them more, I end up talking to them too much and decide that I wouldn't want to risk our friendship by dating. It's a pretty sad line, and I really hope I can change that soon.

But enough of the bad stuff, because it just weighs me down. Cash Office is going well, and I get my first solo shift in there on Monday. It's a lot of paperwork, and I'm mildly concerned that I won't remember it all, but so long as I don't end up missing money, I'll be happy at the end of the day. It's a very demanding job, and while I like it as a change of pace, I couldn't see myself doing it forty hours a week.

And while we're talking about jobs, I've had an interesting side job offer this week as well. I'm going to keep hush-hush about it until I get more details, though, but it's damn near a dream come true.

-Patrick Fisher

All These Things I Wish Weren't Done

Some days, I really hate my life. Not in the "I'm ready to end it kind of hate", but more along the lines of "Why does nothing ever seem to want to go my way" hate. Guess who's the only kind of person who could make me think of that? Yep, the same old.

About a week ago, and for some unknown reason too, I started thinking about her again. And then, to make matters worse, I saw her today. At work. At a place where it was physically impossible to avoid her. See where I'm going at? Yeah, it was just great fun. Never in my life did I think that one person could completely change my life, but it happened. Always remember that!

Trying to break into positives, I ordered my tux for grad on Friday, and next weekend I start working in the back office at work. Remind me to make another happy post later this week.

Keep on Truckin'

I'm very thankful that my life's levelled off again. Personally, I'm sick of having to deal with all the various bullshit I've had within the last few months or so. For the time being, I'm gonna try sticking with the "Screw this!"philosophy when it comes to dating, and I'm gonna try focusing on being with my friends, who've rarely seen me.

Work's going great. Come April 14th, I'm going back up front, and I'm finally, officially, becoming a supervisor, thanks in part to a new front end manager. Electronics has simply pissed me off too much to even start ranting about, although now that I'm going, Stephanie is actually being nicer to me now and treating me more along the lines of how I expected to be treated. Oh well, might as well end on good terms.

I ended up taking on a job redesigning the website for my old elementary school, which would have probably been more fun if I had actual time to dedicate to it. I should be finished in a week or so though, which makes me happy.

Grad's sneaking up ever so closer now, which is both good and bad. It's still hard to believe that in two months I'll be graduating. Lucky me.

-Patrick

Know When to Hold Them, Know When to Fold Them.

Man, I almost forgot about this blog! Part of me feels frustrated, but another part of me wants to make a super-long post recalling every single event that's happened to me in the past two months. In the end though, I think I'd rather just share one moment that I really want to get off my chest.

About two weeks ago, I got a text message from my ex-girlfriend. She said that she found a new place in town to eat that was simply amazing, and that she'd be willing to buy for me as a late Christmas gift. I, being the ever-anxious eater, accepted the offer without any hesitation. The way I saw it, I would simply get my meal and move on with the night. Harmless, right?

When we got there, one of the first things she brings up is the fact that she dumped her current boyfriend (Who was the one that she cheated on me with). Right about then, I was tempted to just make up some excuse about having to leave and walk away. But I didn't. I instead chose to hear her go on and on about how screwed up her life is now. I, on the other hand, chowed down, trying to change the topics as often as possible with no success.

Once we hit the car after supper, she notices that the time is early and asks if I want to rent a movie. Of course, I'm slightly naive, I suppose, and figure that it could lead to no harm. We end up watching BenchWarmers, which is possibly one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen. However, the movie goes fine, as I'm smart enough to stay on the other end of the couch, knowing that physical distance is best.

Then, out of practically nowhere, she moves closer to my face and starts to kiss me. What's worse: I couldn't stop it. Half of my body was screaming at me not to do it, but my other half was doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wanted so badly to just stop and leave, but I didn't. I couldn't. Some part of me wasn't letting me.

This continued on for almost twenty minutes, going much farther than I had ever anticipated or wanted. Finally, we both managed to pull away, and I bolted. I barely said goodbye. I needed to get the hell out of there. The entire car ride home was filled with me shaking and basically swearing at myself. How could I have let it happen? I ran through the whole night and tried to make sure that nothing like that would happen!

I'm thankful that there was at least someone there to keep me sane. A friend of mine, who I've known since about grade nine, was experiencing a similar problem. Well, not exactly the same as almost sleeping with you're twice ex, but she had a dick of a first boyfriend. I tell you, if I didn't have her then, I can't even fathom what would have happened later.

With any luck, I'll remember to make a post about the ultimately less-serious things within a week.

-Patrick